Why The World Needs Tact

As a single 30 something Asian girl still living at home with a parent, society can be brutal. Unlike the western culture, Asian women don't necessarily leave the nest until marriage. But marriage comes at a very early age. Even till today in some parts of India, girls are being married off the moment puberty hits. Sometimes even before.

But here I am, in fast moving Kuala Lumpur. A city of different religions, different cultures, different mindsets. My mother married at 23 purely because her father told her to. My sister married at 21 for her own reasons. And then there's me. 30 something and unwed. Horrifying and disgraceful. It is outrageous enough to be questioned by my regular petrol station attendant who just cannot fathom why I am still single.

For years my hair was progressively getting blonder. My relatives, not knowing how to respond starting cracking awkward humorless jokes. No matter how educated or successful you are, mental forwardness is a slow process which I feel advances from each new generation. But there is the odd case here and there. Recently my mother, either getting incredibly open minded in her old age or losing all hope in me, surprised me with this astonishing piece of news.

“If you don't want to get married and but prefer to just live with a guy, its okay with me”, she said.

This was followed, of course, by the small clause of including her in the living arrangements.

Then of course there is the weight issue. Having been cursed by the low metabolism gene, maintaining a socially accepted number on the weighing scale has been a tough and mostly losing battle. People with manners would usually say nothing about your recent weight gain. Instead they might comment positively when you have actually lost some or maybe compliment your attire or new hairstyle.

Then there are the tactless ones. Have you ever heard the popular “You are looking very healthy.” or just downright “Wow! You have put on a lot of weight!” I have a mirror. I know what I look like. Thank you Captain Obvious. Have you ever considered that perhaps I may have a medical condition? Or a mental condition? Or any of the hundreds of other reasons why I look the way I do.

Perhaps the wisest though not necessarily the most polite reply would be “I can lose weight. You will still be ugly!”

Career.

Listing the remarks I have gotten about this subject could fill a book. I work in post production. This is a specialized field that sounds glamorous but is terribly difficult to explain clearly. I find when people don't understand something and if they are not the kind to research the subject, they are unable to take it seriously. This applies to my relatives and many people around me. My career is a joke simply because there is a lack of understanding. Yes the hours are long and the pay isn't great but it’s a job that provides some amount of satisfaction. But in the eyes of society, I have failed. I am neither a lawyer, nor a doctor nor the right kind of engineer.

Have you ever experienced this scenario?

You are having a meal in a restaurant. A group of older ladies walk by you, stop right at your table and start discussing, very loudly I might add, the plate of food you are in the process of consuming.

If you are so curious about my meal, why not ask me directly or discreetly question your waiter after you have been seated.

I am convinced that the older generations feel they have a right to speak their immediate thought no matter how rude it may be. Is it because they have lived longer and have experienced more than us chickens? Or maybe we all fall into this false fantasy as we age, thinking ourselves wiser then a younger mind. But no matter how old you may be or whether you are a friend, parent, sibling, aunt, uncle or cousin, rudeness is not tolerated. As society grows and changes direction, so will taboos. What was acceptable to critique then may not be now and may never be in the future. We will never be able to keep up with what is ‘politically correct’ and what is not. It is not the freedom of speech that is jeopardized. It’s a simple life lesson on how to keep the peace and live harmoniously with each other. My opinion, many conflicts, no matter how small, could have been avoided with a little tact.

I am who I choose to be. The way I look or my choice of career or my views on marriage. They might never appeal to all but it’s my life and I will live it my way. And only because I was brought up in a culture that teaches you to be polite to your elders, I will only smile and walk away.

Having good manners won’t kill you. And neither will a little tact...